Writer/lit lover Ashley Ford shares journey to memoir

Being introduced to Ashley Ford is like learning about a secret that no one, yet everyone, knows about.

Despite never having written a book, the 28-year-old was named among best-selling authors such as Cheryl Strayed as one of 35 Writers Who Run the Literary Internet by Flavorwire.com.

She blogs. She's a contributing editor at LitHub.com. Her work has been featured in The Guardian and Buzzfeed. She's an Indiana native who has found a home in New York City and names "Girls" creator and star Lena Dunham as one of her dearest friends. But most importantly, she writes.

She write about sexuality and relationships. She writes about racism and literature.

For Ford, writing is catharsis. It's therapy and friendship. It's a place for fears and freedom. It is a responsibility and a dream.

But to appreciate her writing you must dig in and learn about the woman she is and who she will become.

Letters from her father

Ford grew up in Fort Wayne, raised by a single mother of four and her grandmother. Her father has been in prison since she was 6 months old.

"He's written me letters my entire life — about him, and about how I am great, and he loves me, and I'm perfect. My mother was a single mom doing a lot on her own and maybe didn't have time to dote on us. I think she did her best, but all the, 'I love you's, You're perfect, You can do and be whatever you want,' came from from my dad's letters," she said.

For years, Ford didn't responded to the letters.

"As much as I loved them and as much as I had this idea of this dad who loved me and this great relationship, it was completely one-sided. I couldn't find it in myself to ever write anything out fear that it would shatter his perception of me."

To Ford, her father's letters were the foundation of her self-esteem.

Then, at 13, Ford was sexually assaulted by a classmate.

She didn't tell anyone when it happened.

"There was sort of this emotional, very internal breakdown for me where I started to live a lot more in my head than trying to experience the world externally. It took a long time to deal with that pain and that shame and that guilt," Ford said.

While dealing with the pain of her assault, she learned her father was in prison for sexual assault and rape.

But instead of isolating herself from him, instead of shutting him out forever, Ford did something she had never done.

She wrote him a letter.

"I asked him why he did what he did — I wanted to know everything — and him writing a very, very, very long letter back because he felt like he owed that to me and I felt like he owed that to me," Ford said.

It created a shift for their relationship — a relationship Ford realized was not real. "It had been a lot of make believe in my head."

In her 28 years, Ford has seen her father a handful of times and says their relationship is complicated. It's been several years since she wrote him a letter. It's been several months since he's written her.

"He still sends letters to me at my grandmother's house — she just passed away, I don't know if anyone's told him."

A new chapter

While Ford was a student at Ball State University she began writing about her assault, her relationship with her father, and started her first blog.

She graduated with a degree in English studies in 2011 and moved to Indianapolis. Within four months of arriving, she went from having three part-time jobs to being unemployed. It was then that she realized her dream was to become a full-time writer.

"When you're at the bottom, it's also the best time to think about what you want. And once you realize it, there's no going back — it's like they say, once you're awake, there's no going back to sleep."

But it wasn't going to happen overnight. She got a job at Pivot Marketing and started freelancing for Indianapolis Monthly and later Buzzfeed.

She continued to write on her blog but was desperate to find a stronger writing community than what she'd found in Indianapolis. She discovered it on the Internet.

"I've created this really great community for myself online where I'm discussing what people are writing and reading and discussing what we're interested in right now as a culture," said Ford.

Like all things on the Internet, that community opens the doors to a large dose of criticism so she typically avoids "reading the comments."

"They can quickly turn into a cesspool of people looking for things to not like and not making valid assertions. I love when someone makes a valid point, but I can't afford to use the brain space on the rest," she said.

The only person whose opinion she worries about is her mother. While proud and supportive, it's her mother's voice she hears in the back of her head when she writes.

"We're never going to see eye-to-eye on what's OK to write about. I'm not trying to embarrass or hurt anybody but telling my story is something I can't compromise.

"If I'm not telling it, it's because I'm ashamed or feel guilty, and I don't want to live in those places emotionally anymore. I spent a long time there. There's some risk of overexposing myself but at the same time, telling my story is how I counteract the very real desire to hide everything about me."

An unlikely friendship

In 2013 Ford wrote a Buzzfeed story titled, "13 Must Reads for the Black Feminist in Training." She received a Tweet about the story from Lena Dunham, the star and creator of the HBO series "Girls," saying she loved Ford's writing.

Ford thought she had been hit by a parody account but after realizing it was real, Ford responded and the two women exchanged a few more tweets. And then a few more. Eventually, Dunham asked Ford to email her.

"I didn't know what to say so I just told her about my life. I thought that would be the end, but it turned into us emailing back and forth every couple of days for a few months and eventually I went to visit her in New York. We spent these three very awesome and intimate days together."

Shortly after that visit, Ford landed a job as a full-time LGBT writer at Buzzfeed and moved to New York. Her first week there, they met for dinner and Dunham offered to help Ford find a place to live.

"She's been there at every turn, every corner, every hard thing, and is an incredible and consistent point for good. You get to a certain age and it's hard to make friends in life. I feel grateful and happy we get to be in each other's lives in these ways," said Ford.

"There is nothing more unlikely than my friendship with her, but there are very few things that make me so sure that some people are in your life for a reason."

In a 2015 issue of Glamour magazine, Dunham listed Ashley as one of 10 women who changed her life.

"Ashley came along at a time when I was very afraid to let new people into my life. The attention around my show and the often outsized focus on things that I had to say had left me quite self-protective. She broke down those walls and reminded me that debate, intellectual rigor and fierce feminist dialogue still had a place in my life. It felt like she had been there forever," Dunham wrote of their friendship in a recent email interview.

Projects in motion, from a memoir to an anthology

Last year Dunham published her memoir-esque collection of essays in her book, "Not That Kind of Girl." Ford signed with a literary agent earlier this year to publish the memoir she's been working on since college.

"I'm finally at a place where I'm ready to put it out in the world ... I'm ready to share this story," she said.

Dunham has advice for Ford about the publishing experience. She received criticism for too many identifying details about her attacker while recounting her own sexual assault.

"Ashley has a very important story to tell, one that touches on some of the most challenging topics our culture grapples with. I just want her to continue to be honest, strong and unafraid in the face of the inevitable ignorance that so often rears its head when people share their truth," said Dunham.

Ford has also partnered with bestselling author and Purdue University professor Roxane Gay to co-edit an anthology called "Not That Bad: Dispatches From Rape Culture," to be published by Harper Perennial. She met Gay when she was doing a reading in Indianapolis in 2010.

"I was just starting to find women who I could look up to — that were closer to me than Maya Angelou or Oprah — a black woman in the Midwest doing the kind of writing I wanted to be doing. I didn't know anyone else like her, I still don't," said Ford.

The project gained momentum as the women began discussing the idea with readers, friends and their followers on Twitter.

"So many women have stories about sexual abuse or assault and you hear this, 'It's not that bad, It could be worse, At least I wasn't killed, At least I had resources to go to a hospital after.' It's a way to block ourselves from the weight of what we actually experienced because we don't want to be difficult. No one wants to be the difficult woman or girl, no one wants to be damaged or have problems," she said.

Gay believes Ford is the only choice to partner with on the anthology.

"I wanted to partner with someone younger, who sees the world differently, so that together, we might create a really interesting book. I also admire how she talks about sexual violence and its reaches throughout our culture," she said in an email interview.

Ford describes the book as comprised of essays, works and words from people who want to talk about the sexual traumas that perhaps they considered "not that bad" at the time, but ultimately were life-changing.

"We grow and feed into this idea that the very dangerous and heartbreaking things that happened to us aren't valid. We want to flip that on its head."

What the future holds

Fewer than five years ago, Ford was freshly out of college and living in Indianapolis without a job. Today, she's left Buzzfeed but is still living in New York and pursuing a writing career.

"I found out at Buzzfeed that I don't have to be a full-time writer to write. I will always come home and write, I know that's true about myself."

Call Star reporter Leslie Bailey at (317) 444-6094 and follow her on Twitter @Lesalina, Facebook.com/Lesalina, and Instagram @Lesalina.

10 women who have changed Ford's life

In a recent issue of "Glamour" magazine, Lena Dunham, creator of HBO's "Girls" and author of "Not That Kind of Girl," counted Ford as one of 10 Women Who Changed Her life. We asked Ford to share her list.

1. Billie Coles, Grandmother

"I truly believe that everyone should get the chance to be someone's favorite person. ...My grandmother passed away at the end of January, but I was her favorite person. I'm still so sad about her death, but I get to believe I was her favorite person forever."

2. Jen Coyle (Reinking), Freshman English teacher

"I met Jen when I was 14, smart-mouthed , and desperate for confirmation that I had options in this life. She was the living answer to that prayer. ...She bought me books. She believed in me. She was exactly what I needed."

3. Ashley Haydock, Friend

"My boyfriend is amazing, but Ashley is my soulmate. It's always hard for me to talk or write about her, because how do I explain the other half of your heart? Ashley has seen me at my worst. And she's given me the great privilege of seeing her at her worst as well. Between us, no one is ever giving more than other person, because it's impossible to give to her without also giving to myself. I know that sounds ridiculously intense, but it's just real."

4. Charla Cannon Yearwood, Friend

"Charla is a walking advertisement for being a better human. For years, I've watched her serve whatever community she's part of (especially Indianapolis), not because anyone made her do it, but because she believes with every inch of her being that it's right."

5. Lena Dunham, Creator of HBO's "Girls" and author of "Not That Kind of Girl"

"Lena is my most improbable friendship, but has quickly become one of the most important. We emailed each other for months — epic and beautiful emails — before we ever heard each others voices. She's the warmest most empowering most loving person I know. ...At the center of our friendship is radical vulnerability, and I feel so lucky to be someone who gets to know her heart."

6. Roxane Gay, Bestselling author of "Bad Feminist"

"I'll never be able to say enough good things about Roxane, and I'll never get over the fact that she thinks I'm a good writer. Roxane's work made me want to write the way I do, and tell the stories I tell. For a long time, she was my only indicator that there was room for black women in the literary spaces I wanted into."

7. Jenn Hoffman, President, Pivot Marketing

"Watching her work was a lesson in dedication. She has a ferocity of spirit that weak people can't handle, but everyone else is in awe of. . ...Watching her command her space and do it in a way that she didn't have to compromise her version of femininity -- that was a huge lesson."

8. Danielle Daugherty (Frazier), Friend

"Danielle was the first friend I made in college. She was wearing a "Golden Girls: t-shirt, and I love them, so we bonded quickly. My freshman year of college was emotionally grueling for many reasons, but she sort of tucked me under her wing and made sure I'd make it to the next step. ...She taught me to hold myself to a higher standard by loving me right where I was."

9. Becky Issacs, Friend

"In this life, I've been lucky enough to have more than one family, and Becky's family is one of my greatest joys. She's witty, and beautiful, and has a heart bigger than any room I've stepped into. When I fell on hard times, she and her amazing husband, Mitch, welcomed me into her home and made it impossible for me to feel anything less than loved. "

10. Amanda Heckert, Editor-in-Chief, Indianapolis Monthly

"When I was unemployed and down-and-out, I had little more than my dreams, so I wrote them down. I knew I wanted to be a writer, a freelance writer, and I wanted to start now. I'd written a few things for places before, but with no job, I had nothing to lose. One day after I wrote down that dream, Amanda Heckert emailed ME. ... I ended up writing two pieces for Indy Monthly before I left, but that first piece was life-altering. It was small, but it was affirmation. Amanda understands good writing, I knew that, so for her to think I could do it, made it even easier to believe I could do it. I'm forever grateful for that."