Swarens: A lesson on empathy at Park Tudor

Sexual abuse is such a deeply personal assault on the body and soul that the pain often lingers for years. Sometimes for a lifetime.

I’ve known men and women who, well into middle age, still struggle with the aftermath of crimes committed against them as children. Healing is often a slow, painful, messy journey.

Sometimes that journey is long delayed because when the victims finally felt safe enough and strong enough to talk about the abuse, they weren’t believed, or their suffering was downplayed, or they were told they were somehow responsible for the indignities inflicted upon them.

In the worst cases, survivors were made to feel like victims all over again.

So I’ve watched with alarm as the infuriating story of former Park Tudor basketball coach Kyle Cox has unfolded in recent weeks. Once again a person of power, of prestige, is accused of making sexual advances toward a vulnerable child.

The still unfolding scandal has rocked the school and everyone associated with it. It’s also raised questions about how administrators initially handled evidence. Those questions include why Cox was allowed to take a school-issued computer home to remove “personal” content after the allegations came to light.

Counselor: Sex abuse is never the victim�s fault

On Tuesday, I spoke with Peter Kraft, Park Tudor’s interim head of school, who insisted, “We are doing everything we can, not only to support the victim in this case but also to cooperate with investigators.”

I don’t doubt Kraft’s sincerity. Just as I don’t doubt him when he said, “The vast majority of students are doing the right thing” in showing support for the alleged victim.

Yet, it’s been disturbing to see what’s happened since the accusations against the former coach came to light. Federal prosecutors revealed this week that the 15-year-old girl whom Cox is accused of trying to coerce into sex was apparently assaulted by a fellow student after the coach resigned.

According to prosecutors, a male student messaged Cox to report that he had grabbed the girl by the neck, then threw her to the floor. He reportedly did the same to another girl who tried to intervene.

The coach replied: “It would have been pretty epic if you would have caused a concussion lol.”

Of course, nothing about this case is epic. Sickening and maddening are the better words.

I also talked on Tuesday to Toby Stark, the longtime director of Chaucie’s Place, a Carmel-based organization that assists sexual abuse victims. My question: How common is it for the victims of abuse to become the targets of blame themselves, or even to face retaliation?

The answer: It’s very common.

Which makes the message Stark is scheduled to deliver this morning to Park Tudor’s high school students all the more important.

Stark will explain how commonplace sexual abuse has become — it envelops one in 10 children. She’ll talk about the vital need to show empathy for abuse survivors, regardless of whether they react in the ways we expect them to react.

And she will say that children who suffer sexual abuse are never responsible for what was done to them. Never.

It’s an important message, and one that needs to be heard well beyond Park Tudor.

Because the sad reality is that other organizations — schools, churches, any group that works with children — may someday have to confront the kind of crisis that has now engulfed one of Indy’s most prestigious schools.

Will they learn from the mistakes so many institutions have made in the past? Will their instinct be to protect their organization or to rally around the victims?

How they answer will help shape children’s lives — the lives of victims of the most unpardonable of crimes — for decades to come.

Contact Swarens at tim.swarens@indystar.com. Follow him on Twitter @tswarens.