Like all abused women, Ray Rice's wife had reasons to stay

Women stay to endure the horrors of domestic violence for all sorts of reasons.

Kids. Fear. Love.

Ray Rice's wife had millions of reasons to stay — $35 million, the salary of an NFL husband, and all the security that brings.

Women stay for much less — trust me — much, much less. A rundown trailer they call home. A reputation they want saved. Good sex. A family unit they don't want broken.

When you're abused, you desperately search for a reason to stay. I know because I know domestic violence. I've experienced it — and stayed. Leaving only with the support of friends and family.

Janay Rice stayed. She even defended Ray Rice when initial reports of his attack on her in an Atlantic City casino elevator surfaced earlier this year. She blamed herself. Took fault. She said she instigated it. That she egged him on.

There is nothing a woman could ever do to deserve her face being bashed in without any chance of escape. Nothing that calls for, after falling to the floor in a heap, being drug out of that elevator like a dead body.

Skirt hiked up. One shoe on. One shoe off.

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And again this week, Janay is defending her husband and blasting the media — after Rice's contract with the Ravens was terminated. After he was suspended indefinitely from the NFL. After a video of the attack was made public.

Call it love. Call it loyalty. Call it giving someone a second chance. The couple also has a child together.

But if it weren't Ray Rice, would she have stayed? Maybe.

This year marks year three of Rice's five-year $35 million contract with the Ravens, $25 million of which he's been paid.

But because of that black mark on his record, there is $10 million left on Rice's contract that is no longer guaranteed.

Would a woman take a beating — and then defend it — to secure $10 million? Of course she would. Women stay for all sorts of reasons.

No one knows. No one can judge why Janay Rice has stuck around. Maybe it's not the money. Maybe it's love.

"The vast majority of victims, they love that partner, they truly do," said Julia Kathary, executive director of Coburn Place, a transitional housing program for domestic violence victims and children in Indianapolis. "They may have an unhealthy concept of what unconditional love truly is, but they love their partner."

And they find reasons to stay. False promises from their partners, pressure from family or friends, the stigma of being a domestic abuse victim.

"It's really hard to admit to those around you," she said.

I've seen it firsthand from a friend, who would call crying in the middle of the night, hiding in a closet.

I begged her to leave. She didn't — and hasn't.

Her husband isn't an NFL player. But he is a sales rep, with a six-figure income, far from a millionaire. She is a stay-at-home mom.

Money speaks loudly to her: The security. Keeping the peace. Not having to go out on her own and make it.

"Maybe this is my punishment for spending what he works so hard for," she has said on those late-night calls.

It's easy to judge. But can you?

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.

If you think you don't know someone who's been abused, you're living in a fantasy world.

Maybe Janay Rice's friends and family didn't know. And for those who fault her for not leaving, or even call her stupid?

"From my perspective, her behavior and the choices she's made in the past couple of months are typical," said Kathary, who has worked with domestic violence victims for 20 years. "Why didn't she leave? I have never met one victim that was stupid. I have met a lot of people who have become experts in surviving."

Domestic abuse is all around us. Yes. The NFL needs rules, official rules and penalties for the crime of domestic abuse. Shame on the league for not having them in place from the start.

But really. There is another change that needs to take place.

A massive campaign that lets women know: It's not worth it to be beaten. Nothing is worth it.

Not that reputation. Not that run-down trailer. Not a $35 million NFL salary.

WHERE TO GET HELP

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, here are some resources:

• The Julian Center, 2011 N. Meridian St., (317) 941-2200. Crisis hotline: (317) 920-9320.

• Coburn Place, 604 E. 38th St., (317) 923-5750.

• Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1915 W. 18th St., (317) 917-3685. Crisis hotline: (800) 332-7385.

• Beacon of Hope Center for Women, (317) 731-6131. Resource line: (317) 731-6140.

Call Star reporter Dana Hunsinger Benbow at (317) 444-6012. Follow her on Twitter:@danabenbow.